Keep focus

I have an interesting story to share that happened to me a few days ago. Like every day, I woke up in the morning, and after some morning routines, I went for a surf. On the way, next to the lift, my neighbour came to me and told me off about something. He had a point, but it felt weird to me. One thing is the fact of being told off, and the second is the feeling of control by people who live around you. I didn’t know how to respond on the spot, so I took the advice and went to the ocean. It looked like the end of the story, but in reality, my head was full of different scenarios during the surfing session. I thought about what I should have told him if he had told me what to do, assuming he wasn’t hypocritical about his points, and the list goes on. With all the thoughts in my head, I couldn’t enjoy the waves. The day wasn’t perfect, but it offered some clean rides that I couldn’t use. I thought of the response for the entire surfing session and later talked to my neighbour again, clearing all misunderstandings. I told him that I’m not comfortable being controlled, and we ended up having a friendly conversation, and I walked away satisfied since we understood each other’s points. The point of this story is that I missed out on an opportunity to have fun in the water, potentially train my bottom turns, and catch a few clean waves because of my ego. Was it worth it?

Even though I was aware that being told off was insignificant and that I should forget about it, I couldn’t simply let it go. It would be naive to say that I should forget about the incident and be present in the moment. It would be perfect, but not realistic. The shade that I always carry wouldn’t allow me to forget. If I pushed letting go, I would deeply feel weak, which would be even worse than confronting the reality on the spot. Changing deep subconscious features of ourselves is not a straightforward process, and I’m not sure if it is either entirely possible or worth it.

On the other hand, being conscious of our nature and working with it is very important. In my case, for whatever reason, I hate being told off and controlled. It doesn’t matter how often I tell myself that I shouldn’t care. I will still do. So, instead of denying the fact, I firmly believe it is much better to work with it. In my head, I calmly explain to myself the objective importance of it, what I could do about it and following the stoics, either act on it or accept. I need to convince my shade that this is possible, calm it down, and focus on the essential tasks, which, as mentioned in the story above, are surf training.

A similar situation often happens in coding. I assume many people feel the same way when being told off. We generally like to be correct, and if somebody has a different opinion, we try to convince them that they are wrong, which often is either not valid or depends on context. Simply ignoring that somebody tells us we are wrong and keeps doing it our way is not enough. I believe it is worth considering the topic from the other person’s perspective to see what they see and what we might be missing. The most important part is not taking it personally and not letting our shade drive all our actions. It will influence it, but it’s much better if we are conscious of that.

Incorporating our shade into conscious thinking is not an easy task and might be painful at times, but I’m impressed by Jung’s way of thinking, and I will keep exploring this in the context of CBT and the Stoic way of thinking. It will help me focus on what is essential, rather than just following my subconscious self.